


Saudade

by ZiggyTheNinja



Series: Isolation (see the state I'm in now) [2]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Break Up, Drinking, M/M, Past Relationship(s), Post-Reflections, Self-Reflection, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-22
Updated: 2018-12-22
Packaged: 2019-09-24 16:12:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,502
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17103830
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ZiggyTheNinja/pseuds/ZiggyTheNinja
Summary: Alone and drunk, Adam wishes moving on was easier said than done.





	Saudade

**Author's Note:**

> Saudade: a deep emotional state of nostalgic or profound melancholic longing for an absent something or someone that one loves. Moreover, it often carries a repressed knowledge that the object of longing might never return.

Takashi always said that the first time he realized he was in love with Adam was when he had to recite standard parodical to Iverson during a surprise evaluation when they were still cadets.   
  
Adam always said that was a really stupid way to realize you love someone, but it made his heart sing nonetheless.   
  
Thoughts of Takashi snuck up on him when he least expected it, usually when he didn’t have anything especially pressing to think about. Like now, as he sat on his couch, scrolling through movies to play on his television mindlessly. There was an influx of romance movies on the steaming service he was using, which was why his brain reminded him of that time when they were young cadets. Adam tried to shake it off as he scrolled—Having thought of Takashi, he didn’t really want to watch a romance anymore.  
  
Which was a shame—Adam liked romances, especially old ones. Yeah, they were filled with a bunch of straight white people, but he liked how old romances felt when he watched them. They were always so simple, whimsical. There was always a happy end, no matter what.  
  
That’s probably what gave him such an unrealistic expectation on love.    
  
He needs to stop thinking about this.  
  
But it was hard to stop once the flood gates opened.  
  
Adam ended up putting on an old black and white romance he loved a lot when he was seventeen, because it wasn’t just a romance, it was a drama as well. He used to make Takashi watch it with him all the time. Adam isn’t sure when it was that he realized he loved Takashi, but it had to be during moments like that—where Takashi put up with Adam’s weird quirks endlessly. He used to tease Adam for having Old Man Interests and Adam used to tease back, stating that if he was an old man it was because Takashi aged him with all his recklessness.   
  
Takashi would laugh, tell him he liked the thrill that he provided and kiss him to shut up anymore comments Adam may have had. He certainly didn’t have much to say after being kissed, he recalled.  
  
Adam laid on the couch, taking his cat eye glasses off and putting them on the table before pulling a blanket over him.   
  
Takashi used to always have a way with words when it came to Adam. No matter how mad he got, he always knew what to say to make him feel better. He misses that, and if he allowed himself to admit it, misses him.  
  
Maybe he doesn’t miss Takashi, he thinks, hardly listening to the movie anymore. Maybe he misses what he thought Takashi was, or what he used to be. Misses someone who doesn’t exist anymore.   
  
Yeah...he really does miss what they had, when he really thinks about it.  
  
And if he’s thinking about it, he needs a drink.  
  
Adam kicks the blanket off his body and pulls himself up and heads to the kitchen, grabbing a bottle of wine and a glass. Adam dragged his feet back to the couch and dropped himself down, opening the bottle of wine only to briefly wonder if he really needed the glass.  
  
He’s not an animal. He’ll use the glass.  
  
Adam poured himself some wine and took a too large drink of it. And then another, and then one more before refilling it.  
  
He hoped Takashi was alive—he really did. He never wanted him to die, God, that was the one thing he never wanted, but he was finding it harder to cling to the little faith that he is alive. If he was alive, he wasn’t having a good time, Adam is sure. He’s without his medicine so that means his body has long since lost its ability to move. Adam hated thinking about this, but he knew it was true.  
  
Why couldn’t he just _stay_? Adam thought as he finished his glass and poured himself another. He’s such a jackass—All Adam wanted was for him to stay on Earth, with him, so they could get married, and live their lives together. Adam just wanted to be with him, but no, Takashi _had_ to go to space, he _had_ to prove everyone wrong, he _had_ to put himself in danger. It didn’t matter what Adam wanted, because once Takashi decided, no one else’s feelings mattered.  
  
Adam’s feelings didn’t matter.   
  
Adam....didn’t matter.  
  
Adam drank more of his wine, his head starting to swim.   
  
Sometimes Adam still looks up what medical science has done so far for Takashi’s illness, what treatments are available and such. He thinks about what they could have done if Takashi had only stayed. They used to argue—god they argued so much about this stuff—about how to go about his illness. Takashi expressed that he didn’t want Adam to be his care taker, but Adam didn’t care about that. He wanted to take care of Takashi if it meant being with him. He understood why Takashi had reservations about everything, but Adam didn’t mind. He tried to be sensitive to Takashi’s feelings—He knew it was harder on him then it was for Adam—but he was just so damn unreasonable. Going on a suicide mission to Pluto is the most unreasonable, rash and inconsiderate thing he’s ever done.   
  
Adam drank more wine, rubbing his face. He hates it when Takashi ends up on his mind. His brain goes back and forth between missing him, thinking of the wonderful, amazing times they spent together to being mad and hurt. It made his heart ache no matter what and his head dizzy. He remembered about a year after Takashi went on his mission, people started to tell him he should move on, romantically. He had moved on, he’d assure them, but he really hadn’t—there wasn’t anyone he wanted to date.  
  
“Just date around, it doesn't have to be serious.” Veronica had told him one night. She felt like he was too isolated from people. That wasn’t his fault, he was just too used to being around Takashi.  
  
He told her no until he was sick of her bothering him about it and let her set up a few blind dates.   
  
Some guys were hits and other misses. Veronica knew his type, but she claimed he needed to test the waters with different types of guys to really move on.  
  
The problem was the guys Adam liked reminded him too much of Takashi, so he never wanted to date them. The guys who _weren’t_ anything like Takashi were too...boring.  
  
Adam had dug himself a hole, he knows it—He tried to date one of the guys Veronica set him up with. He was nice, fun, smart...Adam enjoyed his company, so they went on more dates than Adam usually allowed. For a while, Adam didn’t think of Takashi. He felt good—distracted and not so bone crushingly lonely anymore. He felt like he could move on—that he was moving on.  
  
Then the guy tried to kiss him, and Adam felt the illusion shatter.   
  
He hadn’t moved on at all, he realized, he was just pretending. Guilt had hit him in the gut as well as an unbearable longing for something—someone—that wasn’t his anymore.  
  
Adam broke it off quickly and decided dating wasn’t an option, at least for the time being. He found other ways to keep himself busy, so it’s not as if he needed a boyfriend. He had his job as a teacher—that took up much of his time after all. There was his work as a fighter pilot, which he was getting better at every day. He had friends—Adam had plenty to do and keep busy.  
  
But it was always coming home—Home to an empty apartment that used to have another voice in it that always gets Adam feeling heavier than usual.   
  
Adam turned off the tv, put the half empty wine bottle on the table and laid on the couch, wrapping the blanket around him once more. It’ll get easier, he thinks. He’s fairly sure it’s been getting easier—He just doesn’t know it. That’s how that works, right? Things get better and you don’t realize it, and then suddenly one day you wake up and bam! You’re happy! Life is great!   
  
It’s getting better. He doesn’t drink an entire bottle of wine by himself anymore. Only half, so that _must_ count for something.  
  
Adam will find himself at a point where he won’t even drink half a bottle by himself anymore, maybe. Maybe he’ll manage to get back to how his life was before Takashi left...  
  
But as Adam sunk into the couch with the blanket wrapped around his body, not quite the same as a pair of strong arms he had grown used to over the years, he found that even his sleepy, drunk mind couldn’t find the will to believe such a lie.

**Author's Note:**

> This turned into a series so lets see how long this goes on for


End file.
